Running the Race
I've aspired to so many things in my life, but none of these have driven a point more than what I have strived for and achieved so far at work. And the way I've set about getting things done for my benefit simply exhibits a long frustration about who I really am, and what I'm made of.
And it's frustrating not because I feel lost now... it's actually because I have felt like that for so long. Thoughts like these have bugged me since I discovered identity and personality concepts in grade school, and for almost two decades it seems I've really made a mess in finding the kind of answers I so badly need.
It becomes critical to your life when it starts getting involved with your work. How earth-shattering could it be if you lost your job over some mental lapse you momentarily suffer or worse, if you simply made a serious error in judgement. How bad could it be (and I always expect the worst), that's the question that is always at the back of my mind.
I've taken to second-guessing myself, and it shows. I'm paralyzed by too much analysis, and my output has significantly gone down these past few months. I live in constant fear: of letting my colleagues down... of letting myself down. To say I'm overstressed is an understatement, and I'm getting way too tired of it.
Pushed into a position you've never really wanted. You take it for want of better opportunities, only for life to deal the cards you preferred much later. It's too late to back out now, and while that step up the career ladder places me on higher ground right now, I see nothing's there but a lot of thin air.
And now I'm gasping for breath, wondering if the next one would be the last.
And it's frustrating not because I feel lost now... it's actually because I have felt like that for so long. Thoughts like these have bugged me since I discovered identity and personality concepts in grade school, and for almost two decades it seems I've really made a mess in finding the kind of answers I so badly need.
It becomes critical to your life when it starts getting involved with your work. How earth-shattering could it be if you lost your job over some mental lapse you momentarily suffer or worse, if you simply made a serious error in judgement. How bad could it be (and I always expect the worst), that's the question that is always at the back of my mind.
I've taken to second-guessing myself, and it shows. I'm paralyzed by too much analysis, and my output has significantly gone down these past few months. I live in constant fear: of letting my colleagues down... of letting myself down. To say I'm overstressed is an understatement, and I'm getting way too tired of it.
Pushed into a position you've never really wanted. You take it for want of better opportunities, only for life to deal the cards you preferred much later. It's too late to back out now, and while that step up the career ladder places me on higher ground right now, I see nothing's there but a lot of thin air.
And now I'm gasping for breath, wondering if the next one would be the last.
posted by the nature boy at 2:59 AM
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